A daily journal of our family's crazy hijinks and how this mama of 4 tries to survive them!

Saturday, May 31, 2008

Dating My Daughters Part 2....

Brian's rules for dating his daughters....

1. If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

2. You do not touch my daughter. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

3. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, an I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

4. I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

5. It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is : "early".

6. I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is ok with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

7. As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful like changing the oil in my car?

8. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, t-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic theme are to be avoided. Movies with chain saws are okay. Hockey games are ok. Old folks homes are better.

9. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing , merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

10. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

It appears that they will never be leaving home....sigh.....

Friday, May 30, 2008

Dating My Daughters Part 1....

Brian's application for dating his daughters....

Name:

Date of Birth:

Height:

Weight:

IQ:

GPA:

Social Security #:

Drivers License:

Boy Scout Rank and Badges:

Home Address:

Do you have parents? yes or no

Is one male and the other female? yes or no

If no, explain:

Number of years they have been married:

If less than your age, explain:

Accessories

Do you own or have access to a van? yes or no

A truck with over sized tires? yes or no

A waterbed? yes or no

A pickup with a mattress in the back? yes or no

A tattoo? yes or no

Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? yes or no

If you answered yes to any of the above, discontinue application and leave premises immediately. I suggest running.

Essay

In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?

In 50 words or less, what does "DON"T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?

In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?

References

Church you attend?

How often do you attend?

When would be the best time to interview your:

father?

mother?

pastor?

Short answer

If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would be:

A woman's place is in the:

The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

What do you want to do IF you grow up?

When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

What is the current going rate of a hotel room?

I swear that all information supplied above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, dismemberment, native american ant torture, crucifixion, electrocution, chinese water torture, red hot pokers, and Hillary Clinton kiss torture.

Applicant's signature (that's you moron)

Mother's signature

Father's signature

Pastor/Priest/Rabbi:

State Representative/Congressman:

Than you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Stirring My Heart Today....

Point Your Toes and Break a Leg....

This week is dance recital. For those of you caught up in the "tutu trap" you know exactly what that means. Endless rehearsals, sewing, laundry and cranky kids. I have spent the last 9 months driving to another town two days a week, in order for my girls to have good training. This has involved countless hours of my time, money, and patience. But we have reached the culmination! This weekend will be filled with beautiful (and ridiculously expensive) costumes, makeup, hair and so much sequins even a princess could not compete! For three and a half minutes they will take the stage, the spotlights will shine on their smiling faces, they will be the prima ballerinas of their classes and then.....thunderous applause! There will be shouting and hooting from various parents. Cameras will be flashing and videos running to capture every moment. And then when all is said and done they will be given large bouquets of roses and taken out for ice cream. I don't know how life could be any better..... maybe it's time for me to take dance again!

Monday, May 26, 2008

There's a New Kid in Town!....

If you are looking for a fun and fresh new blog to read, look no further than Singing Blue Turtles! The writer is very talented, super spunky and rather adorable! Of course I may be slightly partial since I gave birth to her, however she's still really good! Check her out!!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

A Long "Tail" With a Happy Ending....

Once upon a time, there lived a sweet suburban family. In the family was a handsome and dedicated father, a sensible and beautiful mother and four very adorable children. This family desperately wanted a small dog of their own. They had had a few unfortunate encounters with family dogs and really wanted one that they could have forever. The mother of the family spent time researching breeds and checking newspapers and online sites, hoping to find their perfect companion. Would they choose a purebred from a breeder or adopt a mutt from the shelter? These questions were circling through their modest abode on a daily basis. However, the family could not predict the twists and turns that their dog hunt would take.

Meanwhile, two sweet little dogs were wandering the family's neighborhood. They were uncollared, unidentified and seemed to be unwanted. Of course they made their way to the home of the dog-loving family. The children fell instantly in love with these two little pups. The mother was concerned because she knew they belonged to someone else.

Day after day the two would show up on the family's doorstep longing for attention. The family played with them, watered them and some members even snuck them food. The children
begged to keep them, but the very sensible mother kept saying "I'm sorry, but they don't belong to us".

After several days of loving on these two pitiful creatures, the family decided that the time was right to get their own dog. They had chosen to adopt one from the shelter. Everyone was excited and wanted to go right away, but this particular day was a busy one with lots of errands to run and things to do. They would not be home that day. The shelter would have to wait until tomorrow. So the errands were run and the things were done and the conversation was mostly about their sweet little stray buddies.

The next morning the mother and children piled into the car and went to the animal shelter. This particular shelter had two adoption rooms. One for dogs that were ready to go that day, and one for dogs that had been picked up as strays and were waiting for a wayward owner to claim them. The family walked through the first room, looking at each eager face. Their fingers were licked and their ears were ringing from all of the barking. They entered the second room, wondering what wonderful friends could be awaiting them. The mother was bombarded by "I want this one, oh mommy how bout this one!", but remember, she was sensible and looked carefully at each prospect. They were approaching the end of the kennels when the children suddenly became uncontainably excited. There, in the second to last run were their neighborhood friends. The mother couldn't believe it and the children were bursting with joy. How could this be? The sensible mother spoke to the lady that was taking care of the dogs and told her the story of these two babies. The lady was touched by the story and wished she could let the family take them right away. Unfortunately, they had been brought in to the shelter the day before (when the family wasn't home) and therefore would have to stay for five days in case their owner wanted them back.



The family accepted this, knowing in their hearts that these were to be their dogs. The children were anxious to share the news with their father. He, also being very sensible, was not sure that two dogs would be appropriate for the family. It would be extra to take care of and extra expense, but the mother and children just knew that these dogs were meant for them. The father, also being very loving, decided to go along with the other family members and allow them to pursue the adoption of both dogs.



The big question now was would their owner come and claim them? The wait was near unbearable. Every day was spent wondering. The mother called the shelter on the third day, and they were still there. Two days to go. The fourth day came and the mother called again. The sweet lady was excited to tell her that the dogs were still there. She told the mother that they could come to the shelter the next morning and take them home.



The family was feverish with excitement. They went to the store and purchased supplies, they argued about names, and they talked continuously about what life would be like with their new friends. The children went to bed that night excited. In their prayers they asked God to protect their new buddies until they could get there to rescue them. The house was heavy with anticipation.

The next day finally arrived. The family was up early making sure everything was ready and in order before going to get their new friends. The sensible mother gave the children a long talking to about how to behave at the shelter and how to act once the dogs arrived home. Really they knew nothing about these dogs except that they were friendly. The mother had many questions running through her mind. Would they behave in the house? Were they housebroken? Would this turn out to be a disaster?

The drive to the shelter seemed to take extra time, and everyone was very anxious. The children rushed in and begged to see their dogs while the sensible mother filled out the paperwork. The shelter workers were delighted that the story had a happy ending, they have so many that aren't. The beaming children carried their new charges to the car and sat patiently while the mother drove home. The precious cargo was brought into the house, given baths, new collars and leashes and of course chew toys. The family spent the day loving on them and getting to know them. It couldn't have been a better ending to their long and twisted "tail".

And for those of you who have your doubts as to whether this story is true or just some elaborate fairy tale, I'd like to introduce you to MILO and ROCKY....



The sweetest little rescues ever!

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Not Exactly a Whole Lotta Nothin Goin On!....

What I wouldn't give for a few days of peace! Right now Brian is working 7 days a week, the girls are getting ready for their dance recital, and my house is still falling apart because we have had no time to finish our remodel. And since I'm a glutton for punishment, my mom and I held a garage sale last weekend in hopes that we would become rich and be able to move to the Caribbean. Obviously it didn't work. To say that I am overspent would be an understatement. Get it? Overspent, understatement? Over, under? Ha! Clearly I have lost it.

Oh well, I knew this day would come.

On a positive note....we are finished with school! Can I get a HALLELUJAH!?!?!?
Of course, this means that I am busy planning for the next year. It is a little more stressful since Tyler will be in high school, (we won't go into how I feel about that) but it's exciting to plan high school curriculum that can be catered specifically to your child. Ah....the beauties of homeschooling.

So suffice it to say that I am busy with a whole lot of things that seem to run together in a never ending circle...kind of like this sentence!